Jesus Christ Facts

There is no “ctrl” button on Jesus’ computer. Jesus is always in control.

Jesus is suing MySpace for taking the name of what He calls everything around you.

There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures the Lord has allowed to live.

Jesus doesn’t wear a watch, He decides what time it is.

Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy. It’s a Christtatorship.

Okay, seriously. Who is this Jesus hero everyone talks about? Perhaps there IS a ctrl button on Jesus’ computer, maybe Jesus has no problem with FailSpace at all, there actually is a theory of evolution, and America is not a democracy (it’s a REPUBLIC, people!) nor is it a Christian nation. But he does do some pretty wicked stuff. He cures blindness by spitting in the dirt and then rubbing it in a guy’s eyes. He raises the dead. Shoot, He gets nailed to a cross and spends hours in pain and agony and anguish. That’s pretty badass, even if he did die. You know what’s even more badass? He only stayed dead for three says, which is when he went to Hell (cuz he had a Master Plan the entire time!) and cancelled everyone’s reservations. Then he resurrected himself, rolled this BIG FRICKING ROCK away from his tomb, and showed his stuff to some of his female followers. Oh, not to mention he wanders around in wilderness for a few weeks and gets tempted by Big Scary Evil Dude (who goes by the name of “Satan”) and basically tells the villain to fuck off. And why did he do it? He did it just for you. And you. And even you! But not you, you’re too gay. Not you either, you like Harry Potter too much. But he did do it just for… YOU!

Not to mention, he’s the son of this frickin’ all-powerful deity who is also him and they’re both this weird ghosty thing…. but whatever. So *that’s* where he gets it from! Glory!

Okay, okay, so I’m getting preachy. You’ve heard all about Jesus at church, yeah, whatever. You’ve heard about Him more than you have about Paris Hilton’s sex tape. But what’s with these facts? Where did they come from, do I have magical prophetic powers? Do I have a special link with God/Jesus/divine ghosty thing? How exactly do I know that Jesus doesn’t wear a watch? How the heck do I know that Jesus is always in control? Did I suddenly see The Light? Did I finally give my poor, confused heart over to Jesus?

Hahahaha, no. My heart isn’t poor or confused. the only light I see is from the lamp in my room and my computer screen. I don’t have “divine prophetic powers”. I don’t have any link to some wacko deity and his son or some weird holy ghost. so how did I get these facts?

What I did was, I went on Chucknorrisfacts.com and changed some of them from “Chuck Norris does not A, he does B” to “Jesus does not A, he does B.” Seriously, look at the similarities between Jesus and Chuck Norris. They’re both super-heroes, going around kicking evil’s ass. Chuck Norris has become an ageless god, Jesus is in fact the son of an ageless god (or somehow said ageless god… well, “His ways are not our own!”) But all of these facts about Chuck Norris are pretty much myths (they’re all impossible anyway), spread around by his fans for giggles and grins. They’re there on the Internet. But what about Jesus? All of his miracles are impossible. Dude, seriously, his mom was a virgin. There wasn’t artificial insemination back when Jesus was born. Yeah, one “fact” gone down the drain. He got nailed to a cross, suffered, and died. He didn’t heal, he doesn’t heal. Jesus is simply a 2,000 year old Chuck Norris.

Perhaps 2,000 years from now, our descendants will be hearing about how Chuck Norris waits rather than sleeps, and will go onto the internet archive of chucknorrisfacts.com and bask in the glory of the Beard. And Chuck Norris will be another Jesus.

Yeah. Also, Jesus wears a “What Would Chuck Norris Do?” bracelet. Yeah, some god he is.

~ by thinkingteen on August 24, 2008.